Of Shutting People Out

In remembrance of all the silent cries before I sleep, tire wake ups, fake smiles, my friends' hopeful wish, dead walks to the school's office (and sometimes to teachers' room) and all hateful responses been thrown at me. For I sided with the rebellious. Also, all arrogant desires of my friends. For I didn't understand their intention. This post is my first-ever attempt to open up about this matter.

   Recently, my bestfriend posted this (darling @zatybaha if you read this, pinjam ye). Translated in literal to: " It's difficult when you're a good listener. People come to you to tell about their problem but at the same time, you have your own problem and they don't know. So end up, you will help them first before you settle yours. " 

Well, it feel magical if we actually get to solve our problem. In my case, I didn't get to solve mine.

That's the problem. My forever problem.

   My climax of this scenario of helping-you-before-me brings us back to the year of 2013. I was seventeen and packed. Both externally and internally. Peak age of my teenage year was almost tearful and damaged because of a particular event highlighted that year. Was the head girl at my school and the event took place somewhat around after the mid-year exam (couldn't fully recall when exactly). My batch, the seniors basically, decided to have an Open House of some sort with cliché foodies stalls, game booth and of course, the haunted house. Or haunted classes shall we name it.

   However, the mastermind of our open house was a rebellious clique. The no abiding rules. The "I will do what I want" students. Yang selalu kena denda. With this in mind, I knew headmistress and all teachers will against their proposal. They had a good intention of making the school event open to public to gain some revenues for our school. Nonetheless, an idea coming from bad students definitely got thrown away, anyway. I'm not even joking, there was literally cold-war between the seniors and the teachers. And it went for a quite 2 weeks until both reached an agreement to hold a closed-open house instead.

   Sum up, I was their dealer for the whole 2 intense weeks.

   For 2 weeks I changed my stance switching between their side. For days, I ran from here and there, secretly finding hidden spot to breathe before continued facing both parties. My "I-had-enough-of-this" occurred when I met one teacher at a workshop building, actually went for a different issue settlement. I was bewildered by their* first question as soon as I step in. "So what else the girls demand through you today?". Through me? Hastily brushed off the question by saying that I came today for a different thing. Kept on my tight-lipped smile and went out after we done with our discussion. Passing by a computer lab, another teacher called upon me to meet them* inside the lab.

There were another 2 teachers waiting for me. While the three of them stood forming a circle, they gestured me to come closer and open the cold-war issue again. I never wished to remember what we talked for few minutes, because one sentence came out from one of them was enough to torn me apart. At the moment they* finished it, my heart broke to pieces. Shattered.

"Awak memang macam kambing hitam."
(Translation: "You're definitely the scapegoat.")

  I remained calm and continued with the conversation. After hours of keeping to myself, I broke to flooded tears at night. In the prayer hall. At 4 am. Alone. I was completely damaged by a word said by a person I respect the most. Somehow, that person decided that I was just the scapegoat of the school. The fact the other 2 also agreed with them*. Recalling the word gave me too much heartache. A scapegoat? For head girl whom control 50% of the students that were already hate the school before the first class even started? While performing great in academic and extracurricular, I led a divided school until the end. It was the hardest thing I've endured in my entire life.

At my teenage timeline; I honestly don't know what I was doing most of the times. I don't know why I have to stand in the school's office at 7 every morning. I don't know how to handle the school's goal for their students' well-performance. I don't know why they expect me to? I don't know why my headmistress had to call me everyday. I don't know why students threw complaints on issues that I have no control. I don't know if I should shout at the wrongdoers or should I let them go in the name of "fun". I don't know how to shape students' mind to get them straight when mine is bending. And above all, I don't know what to do when I was labelled a scapegoat when all I did was my very best to maintain crucial relationship between students and teachers.

  I was clueless. What have I done wrong to being called that?
  It's an awful insult. Distressful memory.

 Distraught, so I stayed ignorant to teachers ever since. Completely lost respect to people who taught me. My grade gradually dropped (however still nailed my final secondary's exam). Went further to even skip tutorial classes during matriculation on purpose. To completely did my worst in quizzes. Another slight insult from lecturers for my hard work in studying the subject, will result them being cut off. I don't even care if I satisfied them or not. Because what's the point, I thought at the time.

  Been there, done that. Let's skip to me matured, years after that I understand my act affect my life as well. I no longer rebel towards lecturers, but I do carry on with one thing for my own personal well-being. Shut people out.

  I no longer care other peoples' problems. If two sides square up, I will fully opted out and leave them. They do they. Don't drag me in. My way of shutting people out also includes me deleting a lot of people in my life. The useless, meddlers, friends of friends? Yeah, get out. On my social platforms, I stopped following juniors/seniors, blocked unnecessary human being. What you even do in my life? I only keep those I cherish every single day. Now, the problems only to be reckoned with are mine, family and my bestfriends. The one I care.

  Sadly, after all of this, I have to painfully remind myself of the awful word. I didn't get to come clean about this because I can't see the person while not hearing the insult echoing. Because it still hurt to these days. Left it hanging with no reconciliation. But it remains to be a reminder for me to not badmouth people mindlessly.

  This post are written not only for those who experienced similar event, but also who caused it. Be careful what you say to others. People live their life through different hardships that we know nothing about. Whoever read up to this last paragraph, I pray you get to reach out to people you might've hurt. Come clean. To reach those who hurt you, if you can, let them know what they did was horrible and no one shall do it again.

With that, I'm off.
Of shutting people out.

shut someone/thing out

phrasal verb of shut

1. screen someone or something from view.

"clouds shut out the stars"

synonyms: keep out, block out, screen, cover up, hide, conceal, veil

2. block something from the mind.

"anything he didn't like he shut out"

"she tried to shut out those memories"

they*

a gender neutral referencing to one particular person on scene, to not disclose the said person's identity