Approaching Hustle Life Slowly
Recently, my performance at work went terrible. My mood swung around and I was barely able to articulate my thoughts in proper manner. There's something happened at home but there are a lot of thing going at work too. Today I return here to pour out my mind and see where's this going. I wanted to see if I could find a solution through my own writing.
If I could describe my work nature in one word, it would be hustle. The amount of tasks to be completed in one day is crazy. Let say on one particular day, I need to complete 8 different task excluding pop-up task (a sudden instruction to help other's staff or anything) before I can return home. 8 different tasks within 9 hours to finish it at 100% good execution. The pros would be nothing get delayed but the cons? You can't pause.
If I could describe my work nature in one word, it would be hustle. The amount of tasks to be completed in one day is crazy. Let say on one particular day, I need to complete 8 different task excluding pop-up task (a sudden instruction to help other's staff or anything) before I can return home. 8 different tasks within 9 hours to finish it at 100% good execution. The pros would be nothing get delayed but the cons? You can't pause.
fast lane. credit: Arity
Every day I seek new way to approach my work more lightly. Alas, I failed every day. To accomplish this much in limited timeline seems ridiculous. Ironically, I love my work. I have something to accomplish by in action rather than just sitting down and facing an inhuman digital interface all day. What was bothering me is - those feedback came after finishing the tasks. If I had 8, I will get 8 different feedback each.
In the beginning the feedback sounded constructive. Probably because senior staff understand that I was new so they tried to be encouraging. These days, the feedback became distressing. Their choice of words change from "This is a better way to handle the task" to "Why you did this way? You've ruin the task"- just something along the line. Senior might feel tired to help me in learning (even for new task) so, rather than uplifting critics, they went a little further with negative comments. Due to their changes in behaviour, I saw myself reacted negatively. The amount of workload is already heavy and to get pushed to the edge infuriates me beyond words. In the end, I started my own rebellious response and disrespected people around me.
I wake up every morning asking myself: how did I get here? How was my mindset in the beginning when I was eager to learn new challenges? What happened that has caused me to behave badly? Which part of me that need to be corrected?
The answer is now clearer: emotion outlet.
My bad performance came from me choosing the wrong outlet to express my feelings. Instead of using my original resources to let the anger out, I pour it out to my work and staff, sadly. Few days went by with me cursing (underneath) to innocent people and decent environment. My irrationality spurt out horribly. Just because I couldn't find solution to personal problem and just because I couldn't handle numerous feedback at work.
Previously I wrote down diligently on a monthly journal (pictured above) of all my mood with pure honest. This was my original emotion outlet. If I was sad, one of the column will be coloured in grey indicating my grey emotion. No emotion is too small to hide, no colour is excluded. Everything in the journal is an exact reflection. I stopped writing these days to chase my work life. I thought I have no time for it or not in need of it anymore. But I was wrong.
It's time to bring back this classic habit. Writing slowed down my focus space and so, focusing slowly on the right issue comforted my scattered thought and unspoken word. Life has shown me the impact of neglecting a personal outlet. Letting these toxic growth has kicked my mental balance bit by bit which eventually cause me improper thinking and impolite behaviour at work.
I, hereby, promised (to nobody but myself) that I'm correcting my past behaviour and promised not to express my feelings randomly ever again. 2020 will be my year to accelerate my growth in healthy routine, to express deep emotion better, to articulate my thoughts in manner and to control my life beautifully. 2020 will be my year approaching hustle life slowly.
My bad performance came from me choosing the wrong outlet to express my feelings. Instead of using my original resources to let the anger out, I pour it out to my work and staff, sadly. Few days went by with me cursing (underneath) to innocent people and decent environment. My irrationality spurt out horribly. Just because I couldn't find solution to personal problem and just because I couldn't handle numerous feedback at work.
Previously I wrote down diligently on a monthly journal (pictured above) of all my mood with pure honest. This was my original emotion outlet. If I was sad, one of the column will be coloured in grey indicating my grey emotion. No emotion is too small to hide, no colour is excluded. Everything in the journal is an exact reflection. I stopped writing these days to chase my work life. I thought I have no time for it or not in need of it anymore. But I was wrong.
It's time to bring back this classic habit. Writing slowed down my focus space and so, focusing slowly on the right issue comforted my scattered thought and unspoken word. Life has shown me the impact of neglecting a personal outlet. Letting these toxic growth has kicked my mental balance bit by bit which eventually cause me improper thinking and impolite behaviour at work.
I, hereby, promised (to nobody but myself) that I'm correcting my past behaviour and promised not to express my feelings randomly ever again. 2020 will be my year to accelerate my growth in healthy routine, to express deep emotion better, to articulate my thoughts in manner and to control my life beautifully. 2020 will be my year approaching hustle life slowly.
* Hustle: to proceed or work rapidly or energetically: to push or force one's way; jostle or shove.
** The perspective of tasks calculated here might differ from reader understanding.
*** This post took few days before it's published hence there's a further time gap from the term 'recently' used in the opening of this post
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