The Call

I had a call interview at 8PM yesterday. It's not an interview for some job application or internship. It was for an upcoming Korean Speech Contest, that I'm joining for my second time. 

 What happened during the whole conversation was what upset me so much and drive me crazier that I feel the urge to tell it here. In conclusion, I screw up. I screw up so bad I ponder on what exactly I did all this time? What did I do? Selama ni belajar apa?

 Almost cried after we hang up our phone but then I started to think of all the situations that brought me here. That typical brainwash episode you have so that you can find reasons to blame others instead of yourself. 1) I'm exhausted. And I do! Fasting all day long under the hot sun. Tuesday is my most packed day ever compare to other days. I've class straight until 7PM. My last class was a volleyball training at the beach court. I'm guessing that burn me out. 2) Late notification. I received a message from the interviewer an hour before they call. Super late. Thought that they have disqualified me in round 1 until I got their message. So it had me really shook. I prepared nothing for the phone interview. I mess up in getting ready for the interview.

As solid as it seems,

I didn't agree with all my points.

 I slept knowing that I'm loser for putting the fault on others. And today I woke up with a new freshly made thought I should have had. It was all my fault. Entirely. If only I actually work hard on speaking skills I wouldn't have to blame my timetable. Or another party. If only I do all my planned idea on improving my Korean speaking skills, I wouldn't feel this disappointing with myself. Because I didn't, here I am.

 I have always tell myself how much I hate being an average. But those average work was what I did all the time. Little improvement or none each day. I hate it but I'm living in it. I could be the most dumbest smartest person I've known.

I guess this is it. Yesterday's event knock me so hard it doesn't hurt me. It enlighten to my pale face, showing how worst of a result that I will get if I repeat my mistake again. Mistakes are proof that we are trying but repeating same mistakes are proof that we are naturally stupid. I had enough with not trying my best. I need to quit lazying around. No more procrastinating in growing to a better me. Not anymore.

Yesterday wasn't an interview over the phone. It was a wake up call.

"Kring-kring are you awake now?"