Functional Freeze: is now melting. (End)

25th Oct 2025- I'm happy to see that this post has officially, melted.

30th August 2024- it will be an ongoing writing as an intention to comeback and reflect on it. I know I could just leave in draft, but posting it will help me to find some clarity in my words.

original log date: 30th August

Functional Freeze.

Can't believe there's a term for a condition I lived in entirely. I cannot describe this in better words. Ergo, I let Google to help you to find out the meaning behind it, while I bed-rotting on same Wild Child scene because I love Poppy's a-hole attitude. Come on, I didn't start it, it wasn't my fault, and if this were America, I would sue. *Cue protagonist.

  Additionally, I'm not sure if every situation we live now need to have a very specific term to it. Don't you feel creepy about it? When I saw a reel from a certified therapist (err alledgedly), they claimed there are 2 factors contributing to me feeling stuck. Have always thought it was because I don't have life goals. Technically, when we don't set ourselves a specific dream, we are most likely to space out, living our life just for the sake of breathing in and out. Long story short, it was trauma and stress by the way. I know right, shocking. So, how do we get out of it?  

Common suggestion is to do visualisation. Ahah, I knew it! It's because I didn't have a life goal. If I have a life goal, then I can visualise my future, in turn, will move my nervous systems to go to work in the right direction. They actually find the cure for it! Alright, so let's pretend that it had its desired effect shall we?

Screw them, as of now, it does not have any desired effect.

Sometimes, I wish specialist just narrow down all this terms, and blame it on basic thing, like, "Oh you are bed-rotting because you don't have goals." instead of making up a name for it. No jokes, there are numerous infographics and a complete brain map literally pointing it out, "Ok Izyan, this is the reason you feel stuck, remember the trauma that you got in 2013?". We should applaud researcher for finding out cure and all, but it seems excessive at this point.

  Work's goal is strenuous enough, now I have to make my own life goal? It's imperative that I make a phone call to my mom and let her create a KPI for me. After all, she has been through it, so she would know what's best for me, isn't? Or should I be normal and let Instagram algorithm provide more intentional reels that cater to my needs so I could manifest?

My mind is fogging,  so we should continue brainstorming later, after I finish this movie.

For like the tenth time.

log update: 29th January .

On December I decided to map out my 2025. Input a lot of events and activities that I'm going to do to fill in the whole year. You know last year was a bit bland, except for the beginning of 2024. I was "freeze"-ing. I did spend a lot of times with family. I was just lacking, myself. Saved a lot of  IG reels throughout 2024 with no action plan to do all of them. Oh my god I sounds like my company.

  Hence, on the map I wrote exactly things I can do alone or with anyone. Re-writing it on paper makes it feel legit? It feels real. On January I want to go Build A Bear (which I did!) and want to have dinner with my best friends (we finally reunited!). And on February I'm planning to go this specific cafe to taste their croissant pizza, uhh, pizza croissant. whatever, and I'm about to go in 2 weeks from today! 

  Always left me wonder was it the paper? Hmm, I know journaling helps us to picture our plan better, but I didn't know it was this magical. Had always been journaling my entire life after an event. Now I should do it before it happens, so it can happens 😎

 

log update: 22nd February

What if I was wrong about myself all this time?

log update: 9th April

And I started to pickup books again. This time is fiction because I felt I have lost focus and just decided to train my brain focus one thing at a time. Books definitely helps. Never understand the magic behind it.

It was on chapter 40, FMC had a breakdown for the first time in front of MMC, in which she was denying reason her mental block was because she went through difficult times all alone. She was being a mess and teary and all. He, realising something, responded with, "You don't have to be angry. But you need to acknowledge that what happened to you last year was terrible, that it gave you pain, and that you deserve time to heal in more ways than just the physical." - and I - cried.

  Not crying ugly tho, but an author would write it as tears filling up her eyes. I closed the book, and ponder. I do acknowledge one moment particularly that upsets me. Could it be that? That mess up my brain and cause me to shutdown? To freeze?

In 2022, I had the most fun, went on bungy jumping. Got promoted in September and experienced Japan for the third time. Then February 2023 happened. I have been on freeze since then. Then July 2023 happened too. My mental block worsen.

It had to be this 2 memories because I was perfectly fine before that. Me thinks so.

log update: 25th October

So hey- this is awkward. Today's update would be me telling you stories. In log of 9th April I mentioned about the 2 event that destroyed me mentally. Never talked about it to anyone, hence I probably should explain it here. Simply.

Feb 2023- I lost one of my dear staff to a bike incident. She didn't hit anyone, as Muslims we understand it as, "Ajal dia dah tiba." She died in a blink of an eye- I clocked out at 6PM, waved her goodbye as she continued with her closing shift. And at 7AM I read a text in our group chat- she've sadly passed away at midnight. It shocked me as newly appointed manager, so I don't know how to react. It was the heaviest Monday I'd to go through, with my colleagues. Regardless, we continue working and start an HR process, namely, deboarding her entirely. From our work schedule, from her locker, from our team and last but not least from the entire company.

  After completed my shift, I went back home to an empty home because coincidentally, my parents were on holiday trip at Instanbul, Turkey. Quickly FaceTimed my mom and bailed my eyes out, sharing with her the shocking news. I cried so hard and released all the shivers that I've been holding for entire day. Next day, I gathered my late staff's belongings from her locker and return it, in a visit to her family. No one or no manager should have experienced the death of their staff, because it was difficult to process.

Fast forward to July 2023- I had a staff, who has been battling with depression, texted me on one morning a photo of her self-harm in as suicide attempt. She shared it as reason to take an MC, to which I approved and reminded her to be kind to herself. Despite composing myself, I took a bathroom break and cried silently in there, because, I did not expect to handle such graphic first thing at 8AM.

  Here's the thing, I understand people who have mental health issues are trying their best to cope, but what about people around them that has to witness it? When I saw her blood and scars, it scared me. "What if I lost another staff?" I thought to myself.  Regain my composure and continued working, before crying to sleep at night- of one picture that traumatised me. I'm pretty confident the emotions I had, was called panic attack but what do I know more? Nobody was there to guide me. Only I was there to calm myself down.

I can't lose my staff. Not anymore.

 In both moment, I genuinely need somebody to hug me and helped me process it. Unfortunately, I didn't have one. And I resent myself so much for not having any people around me.

  It kinda explain my functional freezing and attitude from 2023 to 2024.  Pushed people away in hopes none of them can hurt me like Feb and July 2023 did to me. I know that was an awful reason to be such a bitch towards others but I am just a human who failed to process her trauma. Certainly the next best way my brain told me is to resent everyone. 

 I have make peace about it now, and I hope I can continue to be at peace. I regret being the cold hearted manager and hurt my staff. I hurted them because my heart was "freezing" inside.

"Freezing" heart because trauma harden me. 

But functional because people just expect manager to keep doing their work.

Today's post is the end of my functional freeze. Whewww it has been a year? My eyes are tearing up again as I continue typing. Good job Izyan for continue to work on yourself despite nobody was there for you. Take all the time you need. Wait- this is a similar ending that Poppy had, after resenting her father on her mom's death. It was difficult for Poppy however she managed to accept it and make new friends. They eventually became her best friend for life despite starting it as nemesis to help her get out of school.

  Good job Poppy! I mean, Good job Izyan 💕